Tale of a Cocktail Fail

beetsperminute_cocktail

 

A rooftop lounge with firepit (yes, please!) just opened downtown. Photos on Yelp showed stylish modern decor and design; industrial mixed with sophisticated lighting, etc. My gal pal was coming a little later, after a wardrobe change and shower to freshen up, post-scuba diving lesson. Walked over to the elevators for a ride to the lounge, where I was greeted and pre-screened by their concierge. Weird.

 

porter_entrance

portier_concierge

 

First things I noticed when I got there were hammered metal and stone that turned the front room wall into an interesting Game of Thrones-y art piece. Hundreds of glass tubes on the ceiling slowly changed colors. Huge bar with nice selection, check!

 

porter_barentrance

 

Table next to the window, few feet away from the (crowded) outdoor seating area and firepit, double-check!

 

porter_firepitpatio

 

windowseat

 

With my gal pal on her way, I decided to order a cocktail. I would usually order a classic cocktail, or even a classic cocktail with a creative twist, but tonight I thought I’d try something new, in keeping with the theme – new hotel, new rooftop bar, new cocktail.

Also, I normally don’t do vegetables in my cocktails, mainly because it just sounded like a really bad idea. But I decided to go against my better judgment, be a little adventurous. And the vegetable for this maiden voyage would be…the beet.

 

beetsperminute_menu

 

I love beets. Boiled, sliced and served on salads, or at the end of my fork with nothing else on them. But in a cocktail?? We’ll see about THAT!

I’m guessing that as part of the farm-to-table movement, bartenders have been using natural, organic ingredients for years to add interesting colors and flavors to their cocktails. Valid. I’ve also heard of beet juice being used for color. But as a FLAVOR? I was skeptical, but not close-minded.

The cocktail that arrived was gorgeous! I stared at the amazing deep red color, and held the martini glass up in the air. Definitely an Instagram moment! I took pictures when the glass tubes above me turned blue.

 

beetsperminute_cocktail

 

And then I tasted it. Oh man. No. Never again.
I wish I could have seen the WTF?? look on my face just then when I reached for the cocktail menu in horror, panic and confusion. That….flavor…was the beet GREENS that had been blended and strained. In an attempt to balance out the earthy muskiness of the shrub’s flavor, they added bittersweet and citrusy Gentian liqueur, plus some Aquavit, for a touch of black licorice. Then throw in some vodka and a lemon squeeze. The result – smoked dirt and licorice with a citrus twist.

What were they thinking? Was this cocktail actually bartender-tested and approved?

Vegetables are officially banned from my cocktails.

 


But if you want a really GOOD, summery refreshing cocktail…

After a day spent exploring shops in Gastown, I hiked over to the Asian food Mecca on Robson Street. I wandered into a beautiful restaurant with delicious smells and a quirky banana leaf motif, opened their cocktail menu, and there it was: the Bourbon Smash.

For those of you who love bourbons and whiskeys (like me), the bourbon smash is a mix of bold (bourbon) and fresh flavors (mint and lemon), harmoniously mingled and completely enjoyed!

Cheers!

 



Bourbon Smash

Courtesy of foodnetwork 

3/4 ounce simple syrup
8 fresh mint leaves, plus 1 sprig, for garnish
3 lemon wedges
2 ounces bourbon

Put the simple syrup, mint leaves and lemon wedges into a cocktail shaker and muddle them until the lemons are broken down. Add the bourbon and fill the shaker with ice; using a long cocktail spoon, stir vigorously until very cold.

Fill a rocks glass with ice and use a fine strainer to strain the drink into the glass. Put the mint sprig in the palm of one hand and gently smack it with the fingers of your other hand (this releases the oils and fragrance). Garnish the drink with the sprig and serve.

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Dating Tales with Cocktails: The Bad Touch (Lady Finger Cocktail)

Samantha’s Story

I was at an upscale whiskey lounge one evening with my gal pal Samantha (not her real name), celebrating her recent interview at the Starbucks corporate office. Sure it was an interview, not a job offer (yet), but in this brutal job market, you celebrate every victory, even small ones.

dalwhinnie_scotch

After studying floor-to-ceiling beverage options, flipping through the whiskey bible and consulting with the bartender, we settled on a fine choice: A shot of Dalwhinnie single malt scotch, followed by another. Diageo’s 15-year-old was a definite crowd-pleaser, with its smoothness, aroma and lingering flavors of honey and peach. It’s no wonder it won a gold medal at the 2015 San Francisco Spirits Competition. A perfect scotch to sip through tales of dating drama.

Sam’s relationship with her man had been pretty stormy lately. I asked if she had a Match or Tinder account yet. “Oh my god, dating SUCKS!”, she replied loud enough to raise eyebrows across the bar. “I still remember how awful the guys were before I met Jason (not his real name), which is why I’ve stuck with him. Seriously, I went on a lot of dates. A LOT! And, oh man, the stories I could tell you!”

whiskeylounge

Sam moved from Some Itty Bitty Town, Washington to big sparkly Seattle for grad school. She made a few half-hearted attempts at exploring the city, but still felt awkward not knowing where anything was or anyone to show her around. Tom, who went to the same grad school, had seen Sam wandering around downtown alone a couple of times. Eager for a friend and grateful for his attention, Sam accepted Tom’s invitations to cafes, movie houses and bars – anyplace a couple of dirt-poor grad students could have a good time, for not a lot of money. Plus, Tom was not a bad-looking guy.

After another heavy makeout session at his studio apartment, they decided they wanted to take it to the next level. Sam, with her unusual Russian-European beauty, had been with plenty of men. Plenty. She had a healthy sexual appetite, and was up for just about anything.

But not this.

sippingscotch

“Stick your finger in there,” Tom said, lying naked on top of the sheets with his back to Sam.

“You want me to stick my finger in…” Sam felt she couldn’t finish her sentence, even as she tried to not sound like some blushing naive bumpkin.

He had told her it felt so good, in ways he couldn’t even describe. There are so many nerves clustered in that little area that the pleasure centers are overwhelming, he explained. So not wanting to be a silly spoilsport, she continued to play along, moving her finger to the spot he directed her to. For all her impressive experience with men, she had never rubbed anyone’s prostate gland before. Now if she could only just find the damn thing.

Weird, she thought. What WAS that? Something floating…disturbing texture…she started to pull her finger out. Something dark and squishy was on it! Tom suddenly grabbed her hand and shoved her finger back in. Oh my God, she thought, was that feces?? “EW EW EW!”, her mind screamed even as she rubbed his prostate gland. Since his back was to her, Tom couldn’t see the shock and disgust flitting back and forth on Sam’s face that whole time.

After he had climaxed, Sam told Tom she needed to leave. Something on her research report she realized she had forgotten to add. Sam also decided she needed to get out more and make other friends, since she had no intention of hanging out with Tom ever again.


The Lady Finger Cocktail
(courtesy of absolutdrinks.com)

1 part gin
1 part cherry brandy

Combine, shake with ice, serve neat.